Thursday, December 18, 2008

The Douchebag Prayer

Found @ Something About Nano.

Dear Lord

Please bless the douchebag. He knows not what he does. As it is written, please watch out for him and his full sleeve tattoo that probably is written in a foreign language of which he has no linguistic grasp, yet he chooses to continuously tell people that it means something deep and spiritual because it defines who he is. We all know that in no way, shape, or form do the Japanese characters for Strength, Integrity, or Power apply to him but we?ll let him think that.

Oh your Holiness, who watches over us, please take care of our douchiest of douches and their ridiculously waxed eyebrows that make them look like extras in a Richard Greco lookalike contest. Forgive them for they know not what they do. Please redeem them as their false sense of self worth and determination to wear a pop-collared shirt at any expense overwhelms the majority of their thoughts.

Creator of creators, do not let them be judged too critically for the douchebag s love their Puka Shell necklaces, and their oversized Gucci belt buckles that they like to prominently display. Please be kind to them as they march through existence reeking of sleazy cologne and Eau du Date Rape.

Oh gracious God, please look out for the douche as he and his trucker hat lend so much to our wonderful existence. We must thank the Douche for his never-ending need to ask how much bottle service is at bars, regardless of whether or not he is going to be buying a bottle.

Please ensure that their Ed hardy Jacket or Affliction Hoody does not get damaged when they inevitably utter the phrase, ?want to go!?? at the end of their evening. Oh Lord, please if you are kind let all of the douche bag?s frosted hair treatments go over well, so that we may behold hair so spiky that it could make a triceratops vagina jealous.

Dear Divine Creator, if you should so see fit please bless the Douche who is so Tanned, Crayola had to create a new colour called Douche Beige. Look after the douche as he hits on other men?s girlfriends in their weakest/drunkest state, with full acknowledgement that their boyfriends are not around.

Forgive the douche for quoting movies like Scarface, Donnie Brasco, Swingers and Borat to a level that makes one want to seek out and kill Al Pacino, Johnny Depp, / Vince Vaughn, and Sasha Baron Cohen respectively for ever agreeing to those scripts.

Please of heavenly father protect the douche for his heavy desire to inform everyone of his disturbingly deep, even sexual, attraction to terrible eastern European techno music. Please extend this protection to the act of the douche taking 3000 pictures of him and his douchebag girlfriend, hereafter referred to as a Douchegina (pronounced DOOSH-ji-NAH), and telling everybody how hot she is, when its clearly evident that albeit her fake breasts and wanton love of sex is admirable, she intellectually ranks right up there with a sea sponge, and early mammalian life.

Sweet forgiving Lord, please look past the fact that they make sure everyone see how much they tip, or that every once and a while they slip into their tongue of ancestry even if they have never lived there.

Please make sure that their ultra-tight Diesel Shirts NEVER rip, and continuously oh Lord protect the doucehbag?s overly groomed chinstrap beard that makes him look like you are a balding teddy bear, or a high-functioning Down?s syndrome case.

Lord Almighty, take care of the douche especially when he talks about that time he was in South East Asia for two months and how it changed him spiritually, even though we all know all he did was tip Thai Lady boys for seven dollar blowjobs.

Oh Creator extend your protection for the Douche?s action of pulling out their cell phone camera and posing with expensive hyper luxury cars on the side of the street and pretending it?s theirs.

Blessed Lord, please look past the douche bag?s excessive, if not overbearing usage of the word Bro and his need to put gaudy and unnecessary exhaust pipes on his already souped up intro-level sports car.

We ask you this in the name of the Lord

Amen.

2 comments:

Mynxee said...

Don't judge a book by its cover, lest you yourself be judged thusly.

PsycheDiver said...

Plenty of people judge me. The difference is that first impressions made upon me are easy to change.